The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
