dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i think my tv is drunk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
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I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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