Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.