Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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