We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often