i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
