Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
