i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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