is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
