I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
