I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
People in love make me want to vomit
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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