I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
