I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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