the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
