he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
