I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
