I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
