I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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