i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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