Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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