I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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