im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
its liver damage thursday
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
