I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
