i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
