You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
