Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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