He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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