remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it hurts more in the daytime
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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