and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you had me at cake vodka
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
