Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
