I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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