You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
