she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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