I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
