I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
