to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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