Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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