So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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