Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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