You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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