my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
