i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
