Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
