I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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