God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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