This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
