I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
