everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Someone came in the potted fern
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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