i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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