Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
