defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
