if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
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You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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