It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
