I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
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So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize