So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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