Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
