remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
